One thing that has always intrigued me about the Church is the apparent need to organize friendships. In every other area of our lives, people find their own friends. But, for whatever reason when it comes to church, we think the church needs to find us a friend.
For good or bad, churches have taken it upon themselves to do just that. We have created all kinds of ministry programs to bring people together who I guess are unable to meet friends on their own once they step in the doors of the church. We organize Sunday school classes and small groups and men’s and women’s ministry programs. We create events and weekly gatherings to help Christians meet fellow Christians. By the time it’s all said and done, people eat, sleep, parent, work and meet with other Christians multiple times during the week. And that ends up being the model for how we’re supposed to live out our faith.
It makes me wonder, though, if we’ve unintentionally done a few things:
- Have we made people too reliant on the church for putting them in relationship with other people?
- Have we made people too reliant on the church for “growing them” in their faith?
- Have we pulled people into relationship with other Christians at the expense of their relationships with people who need Jesus?
It just strikes me as odd that people seem to be very capable of finding friends outside the church. In fact, the social networking craze has made it even easier to connect with people both face-to-face and virtually. I wonder if social networking has any clues for the Church when it comes to biblical community. If we create the right framework for relationships to happen, will people find their own friends? If we create the right environments, will people take that step on their own?
What would happen if we put less attention on organizing relationships and more attention on giving people something to organize around? For example, what if we focused on serving opportunities? Would people naturally gather around those initiatives to serve others? What if we focused on the content we were generating to help people better understand the Bible and its application to our daily lives? Would people naturally organize around that content for conversations together? And what if we embraced social networking to encourage people to find their own friends…like they’re already doing? Would people initiate their own relational connections?
It seems that there must be a way to decentralize the way people connect relationally while keeping the Gospel and a biblical leadership structure central to how we organize as churches. When people have the freedom to gather in community without relying on the church to place them with other people, that’s when the Gospel will spread like a virus. When people start focusing less on how the church needs to serve them and more on how they need to be the church, that’s when dramatic transformation will take place in people’s lives and in our communities.
Until that happens, we will continue to rely on the church to find our friends for us. And that’s another reason why we are the new traditional church.
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Other posts in this series:
love this post, and this line of thinking. the organized church tries to institutionalize so much, and for all of our focus on systems, we can lose the simplicity of it all. people naturally make friends when they are around people.
i had a similar thought about this the other day. there was a community event going on in nashville with several of our church members participating. when i asked around if any of some people from our church were going…they said they couldn’t…that they had their small group.
so, i get that their small group is and can be a community but at the same time — i asked myself, why not take your small group to this event? is your small group closed off that you can’t do anything ever again on that weekday night? is that when it becomes legalistic?
i have not been in a small group for…5 years now…and have no plan on being in one. why? i’m too busy hanging out with my friends!
(sorry, i’m a little biased on small groups…i know many people connect through them and that is awesome. these are just my own issues) :)
There you go again…I think you write better when your not on a church staff:)
I bet the new traditional church also starts basketball leagues that remove Christians from city & county leagues. Maybe they should call it “inward” basketball.
I just found your blog and am in the middle of Killing Cockroaches right now (the book, not the action – my house is pretty clean) and I just wanted to say thanks for your insights. This New Traditional concept is something a couple of guys on my staff and I have been talking about for a while and it’s encouraging (I guess that’s the word) to see that we’re not crazy or just rebellious punks. Thanks for your work.
Good stuff…Don’t get me wrong, I like the folks in my homegroup, but it seems a bit awkward sometimes. Kind of like an arranged marriage. Also, like Anne said above, I feel guilty if I want to do something else instead of going to homegroup. I get frustrated that everything is so structured and if don’t show up, I may be accused of not doing my part or being uncommitted.
Great post!
Great thoughts Tony. Been thinking about this for awhile. I appreciate you blazing a trail to say the things that we are all thinking.
This is a wonderful post. You have put words to my feelings regarding “people taking personal ownership” to find their own friends. When you said “I guess ‘people’ are unable to meet friends on their own once they step in the doors of the church”, I had to laugh! That is so TRUE!
I’m praying for you and your family during this transitional time. An “ending” can really be a new “beginning”…God’s Blessings to you~
Another great post. The big takeaway from me that I see in my church is the attitude of, what can the church do for me, not what can I do for the church. It some ways, I might even take a bit further in some churches and say we’ve become the new country club.
What you’re referring to is the underlying reason that the HOST idea done right works so well. Here’s a link to my leadership network take: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgWDO-Afw7E
Totally agreed, Tony. I think the church has been hand-holding when it comes to relationships, although I think it is a lagging symptom of what modernity, especially suburbanism, did to the way we relate to one another. David Putnam’s sociological research, Bowling Alone, did much to document this societal disease. With the dawn of Web 2.0, a lot of those excuses about our anti-social lived environments are melting away. The church should not be responsible for creating opportunities for social interaction among its members, but it is proper to give people the tools to pursue opportunities for community among church members themselves. I think we need to overcome our past squeamish and embrace private social networking tools for just this reason.
Tony
I love the challenge to evaluate and re-think. I think the reason we have gravitated to too much structure is people tend to move inward and begin to click up- so to fix it we create programs. Too often churches have “fellowships” which they believe create community. Community is a by product of serving together. It not formed with hang time as much as it is formed with serve time. I do think we need to create environments where people can connect and be sharpened. I get a little nervous (if I am being honest) when I hear all the guys bailing on small groups- because it is hard, or they don’t have the right leaders, or they don’t know how. You have lifted up an idea that is getting traction- base small groups on serving and meeting needs rather than navel gazing.. Thanks
The Kingdom is being built outside of the church walls (too). Just so happens thats where people work, play and live…
When I go to my local music store, or post office there is a bulletin board in the lobby. It is the place where people get connected to each other (it allows them to organize around ideas and opportunities). No one makes them do it, but the opportunity allows it to happen.
This is what my church is trying to do. We are trying to develop a bulletin board idea (at least symbolically) that allows people to take personal responsibility and initiative in their walk with God (while also leading them).
Most people need leaders because they don’t just wind up at the right place by accident. If they did God wouldn’t have given us leaders.
At the same time I think the best leaders aren’t the ones who do everything for their people, but rather they are the ones who help people take personal responsibility for their walk with God.
How do you suggest we get there Tony…?
[...] Morgan’s point was that the church should spend far more attention on creating content for people to organize [...]
Read it as soon as you posted it last night. Forwarded it to others as well then too!
Keep pushing it, Tony. I knew you had this in you while reading “Killing Cockroaches”… only possible through prayer & the Holy Spirit’s guidance of course!
Our freedom comes from God through Christ – lets not forget that. No doubt that small groups can be good. But if we’re not reaching out beyond our walls – wherever those walls may be (physical church building, a house, wherever..) – then we need to truly rethink what it means to follow Christ.
I don’t think the original disciples would’ve chosen each other as friends.
I think small groups are a great way to help people connect with others. By nature, I’m not one to be intentional about engaging in fellowship with others. It’s easier to remain surface level sometimes. I coordinate groups at my church and I tell people it’s not that these groups become your only friends or that this is the only context for fellowship. Instead, these groups become a place to explore authentic community and to engage in the discipline of fellowship so that we can be better about sharing that community and love with others as well. It’s a starting place.
As far as people being reliant on the church, I don’t know what you mean? If people are involved in an intentional small group in someone’s home. They are investing in one another and living life together, how is that a bad thing. Do you mean are they reliant on church leaders? I think small groups contract out the pastoral ministry to the members of the church to care for one another. Do you mean are they relying on the church meaning on one another? I don’t think they should become too dependent but definitely should be interdependent.
Having said all of that, the main way our small groups grow is through personal invitations and natural friendships with people inside OR outside the church. We aren’t keeping them from other relationships and certainly not from those relationships with people who need Jesus. Small groups are a place for people to be accountable to invest more fully in those sorts of relationships.
I’ve written a few posts about this topic:
here and <a href=”http://churchethos.wordpress.com/2009/01/23/the-case-for-community/”here.
Thanks for this post.
How about organizaing relationships geographically, starting in your neighborhood? I found 14 families in my neighborhood that all attend the same church (the one I now pastor). Guess what? They didn’t know each other. Now we do and we’re starting to reach others in our neighborhood.
“Yes. Yes. Yes.”
That is what I said to all of your bullet points. It goes back to something one of my professors in seminary said, “Pastors over-function for their people.”
The same could be said in what you’re discussing for the church.
We hold hands way too often in the church.
Thanks. As a pastor of community I’ve struggled with matching up people in groups, classes, or friendships…and esp in dating relationships! I’d love to more of your thoughts on balancing over-programming (Reveal lessons) vs. The opportunity the church has to unite those that for whatever reason can’t find friends on their own.
Friendships in church life have to be organic. This post is similar to the thoughts in the book, “A Search To Belong” by Joseph Myers. Not everyone wants to be part of a small group and not everyone wants a closer personal relationship with someone in their church. I think community is vital in the church but community isn’t all about small groups and friendships.
Tony – YES, YES, and AMEN! What you are describing is one of the things that drives me crazy. It goes back to the thinking that christians tend to outsource all of their spiritual and social needs to the paid clergy and the church. You can’t substitute the organic and natural with the plastic, organized and contrived.
I’m a little confused, to be honest. Perhaps I’m not understanding correctly, but it kind of seemed as if you were downing small groups. Are you? Whereas sometimes churches can go a little crazy being too programatic, what’s wrong with having a vehicle in place by which people can connect with each other and unchurched people. I think decentralized, semester-based interest groups are a good way to do that. Afterall, Jethro seemed to think it was good. Jesus had his own small group and the NT church, of course ( by necessity) met in small groups. So what’s the deal?
wow, there is alot said by tony and even more replied to him. I think small group or not it should be up to the individual and the church they chose to attend. Small groups are not for everyone and the term small group has several meanings to different folks. I believe prayer and a call to the Holy Spirit will and should guide you to what you and your church offers and you yourself decideds to attend. We should never take away the opportunity for fellowship but instead make sure everyones christian walk grows. We need an over all church that offers living examples both for inside and outside the walls. peace.
This is where virtual communities like http://www.onthecity.com and http://www.thecommon.org might be extremely profitable.
Anyone familiar with these communities? Your thoughts?
[...] I came across this article written by Tony Morgan that speaks further to this thought. Check it out: Here [...]
Tony,
Really good post. The one thing I have been thinking about a lot really comes down to a self-care issue, and I think that church leaders (i’m plenty guilty, but hopefully learning), tend to overplan people’s lives. Provide lots of events, fill up their schedules, etc…most of the time it’s with stuff like small groups, gatherings, etc. This leaves little time for people to have friendships outside of church. To actually live life outside of the 4 walls. I think we as the Church have to look at ourselves first…and you are right, people are capable of finding friendships…we need to step back and allow things to happen more organically. But the reality is, most pastors/directors/leaders, etc. overplan, because busy schedules and lots of events usually justify a salary.
Rhett
I am on a church staff and I do not want to be “forced” into being in a small group with people just because I am supposed to. Our small group consists of our friends. People we do life with – not just to meet because we are supposed to. We have abandoned this concept of “breaking up” small groups. We want people to journey together. We encourage our people if they haven’t connected (we have a lot people who are new to Hilton Head Island as well) to find a small group that works for them since they are NEW to the entire area. That has been successful. We did a church-wide serve day through small groups. Each group organized their own project and did it. We had almost 100 percent participation. You have the advantage being in a small church of doing life together a lot easier through small groups. We couldn’t have done this as easily at our previous mega-church where we served. Great post, Tony.
Love this post Tony. Great challenge.
Your point of putting attention on giving people something to organize around is dead on. If you look at service efforts within the local church, friendships are developed as a by-product.
Sunday school/small groups/life groups have been incorrectly morphed into social circles that includes Bible study. Their intent should be Bible study and education so that the believer learns to mature and the unbeliever can seek answers and come to know Christ. Education opportunities are needed in the local church to assist believers and unbelievers in their growth. Much like solitary worship can become harmful, solitary study also can become harmful to the soul. The friendships of these study groups are a by-product, not the product.
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Tony, some feedback from a layperson — after pondering your points for a while, I have to say I agree with you to a large extent, but it depends on what the churches do instead. I agree with you that an extraordinary — perhaps excessive – amount of time is spent trying to get people into “life groups” and so on. Sometimes, it seems like the sermons on Sunday are about life groups instead of Jesus Christ. I would like to see churches teach more doctrine from the pulpit on Sundays. If more preaching was done on actual scripture, instead of topical issues or “arranged marriage” church activities, perhaps Christians would be inspired to go out and put their more muscular faith into action. Paul said we need to renew our minds, but it seems to me that too many churches are going for emotion on Sunday and placing the burden for doctrinal teaching on small group Bible studies. Not sure whether this is the point you were trying to make, but it’s what occurs to me.
Great Post Tony – I see what you are getting at – and I agree for the most part. However, you wrote, “It just strikes me as odd that people seem to be very capable of finding friends outside the church.”
I am not so sure that is the case. I know a lot of un-churched people who have no close connection with anyone. Even with all the technological connections at our finger tips – lonliness is still at an all time high. Sure, people have twitter and facebook but very few relationships. That is why I think the church can play a key role in helping people discover community as God intended. As a pastor I often have new believers approach me asking me to help them connect with people on a more intimate level. Why? Because they have never seen it modeled.
I agree that many of the models in today’s churches don’t do much for authentically connecting people. It is impossible to program a relationship. However, I think the church needs to come up with new ways to help people connect. We need more than “friendly” people, we need people to actually be willing to be the friend that people are longing for.
How we do that, how we model that and who we teach that in the church is what I believe we need to rethink. But I think the church can, should and needs to play a role in connecting people to one another.
Thanks for your insights and thoughts – they always challenge me. I also just finished your book and really enjoyed it. Keep doing what you do.
Blessings,
Shawn
…and this is why I read your blog. Thank you.
It’s always useful to ask “why?” It’s not that churches want to “organize friendships”, they want to encourage people to grow spiritually, and believe that some kind of community is the most effective way to encourage that.
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Tony, I love your thoughts here. To me, the church is trying to organize Biblical community, not just friendships. I think there can be a difference. If I’m totally honest, many of my good friends and I don’t have Biblical community. We’re great friends, but we don’t read and discuss the Bible together or speak into each others lives regularly (by that I mean it might happen once a year).
On the flip side, I totally agree that it would be much more effective if we could give people something to organize around and let community happen. In my opinion a big challenge would be encouraging people to have Biblical community within their existing friendships.
[...] Something I Found Kind of Funny. Why do churches think I can’t find my own friends? [...]
Hey Tony! It’s been a while! I thought this was an excellent post. It reminds me of something I learned when in the student ministry at my church growing up. If we took a group of students who barely knew each other, from all different backgrounds and all different interests, on a mission trip of some kind, we would all come back closer than ever with bonds built on the serving people and ministering the gospel that we did together on the trip. The CAUSE united us. People still are naturally drawn to certain personalities and all that, but the cause of Christ was the foundation for friendship and the gravity that gave us the desire to work together and to know each other more deeply.
I feel like all this focus in churches on “building community” (which is too often synonymous with getting together over a bucket of KFC, struggling to turn off the game, and then forcing out something good God did that week) is hollow if it isn’t centered on doing God’s work together and seeking Him together. The bonds form naturally in an atmosphere that is led by the Holy Spirit.
[...] The “service project” has become one of the best ways to engage people. In a recent blog post, Tony Morgan says, “What would happen if we put less attention on organizing relationships [...]
So right about the reliance we built with church programs. One way to think about this is to view our role as a church as more of a brand creator than a social planner. We should want the power of the Holy Spirit working with our brand to motivate people to build relationships and serve. Some brands today are powerful but what we need to consider is something like a super brand. With God anything is possible.
[...] pretty sure that making sure everyone is in a “home group” is not the answer. This post by Tony Morgan talks about how churches feel the need to organize people’s relationships and hits the nail [...]
Great thought provoking post. I believe small groups are great for discipleship training, just as Christ did, for new Christians. Small groups can also be an awesome outreach for the elderly in your communities, especially the widows and widowers, that would otherwise not have relationships with the “church”. But I have been in small groups that became too social, weekly junk food, and gossip fests. I have been in churches where you were assigned to a small group because someone decided you would fit in with identity of that group, without respect of how you felt about it, or what your calling or gifts are. The new church has to be about service, not just being served. Nothing wrong at all with offering small groups, but we should also offer service ministries. Those could be groups of hundreds of people or as small as a single individual, virtual or live, or a mix of both.