Parenting Teenagers
Time flies fast from elementary to college age, so get ready to change your parenting habits. Every child seems to move in warp speed toward the teenage years.
I was caught by surprise when a new declaration of personal independence was automatically assumed the day my son got his driver’s license. It was as though I represented an oppressive and extremely unfair regime whenever I tried to enforce any rule. (Whenever I said no to one of my teenage daughters, she would go to her bedroom, close the door and play Britney Spears’ “Overprotected” over and over again for over an hour, loud enough for me and the whole house to hear.) I have to admit, it was difficult for me to transition from parenting children to parenting teenagers. I had worked with teenagers all of my life, but I had never actually had any living in my home. I am still a recovering parent of teens, but here are a few things I have recognized about this chapter of parenting:
It’s a complicated time. While your children are transitioning from being dependent to independent, you are transitioning as a parent from having authority to leveraging your influence. You can’t parent them the same way you did when they were in elementary school.
It’s an urgent time. Face it. You know a window is closing fast. Ready or not, in a few short years your children will be leaving home. You are running out of time, and it is easy to feel a little panicked. Everything seems to matter more (grades, decisions, relationships.) And to make matters worse, everything costs more too.
Keep fighting for your teenager’s emotional health by investing in relational time with them. Especially during this uncertain season, they need a positive relationship with you more than you or they may realize. Here are a few things to remember that might help you make the time you spend with your teenager more meaningful:
- Find a common activity you can both enjoy. Go to favorite restaurant, movie, or concert. Discover a hobby or a type of recreation you can do together.
- Make sure there is no agenda. They will see right through a masked motive and interpret your effort to hang out as manipulation. Don’t forget. This is about building your relationship. So don’t use this time to deal with issues. Guard the fun.
- Keep it outside the house. You probably already spend most of your time together in your home. It can be full of duties, responsibilities, and distractions, so get out and do something that is a contrast to your normal routine.
- Do it without friends. Anyone you add to your time will drastically change the dynamic. Give your teenager individual and undivided attention, without your friends or their friends, and even without siblings.
- Mutually agree to turn off cell phones. Make at least part of your time a no-electronic zone. Phones have a way of distracting you from meaningful and engaging dialogue.
- Put it on the schedule (but not on a Friday). Be sensitive to how a teenager wants to organize his or her life. Discover the rhythm that exists in their schedule and agree with them on the best times to hang out.
- Stay flexible (and be willing to reschedule frequently). A teenager’s world is always changing. They could feel trapped if you are rigid about your scheduled time with them. Don’t let your time with them become a competition with their other interests and priorities.
- Remember your goal is not to change them. Avoid getting into conversations where you are trying to correct or improve a behavior. Save those conversations for another time.
- Keep working at it. Learning to communicate with those you love can be awkward at times. Strive to ask the right kind of questions and listen more than you talk. You are not trying to become your teen’s best friend, but you are laying an important foundation for the kind of friendship you want to enjoy with them during their adult years.
- Use it as an opportunity to give your teenager approval. I’m amazed at how many adults left home without ever really feeling like their parents believed in them. Look for numerous opportunities to encourage their specific strengths and skills.
Having fun and spending quality time together is increasingly important as your relationship with your child changes. This week, find out what kind of activities your teenager likes, and schedule some intentional time together when you can simply enjoy being together.
And if you have other tips you’ve discovered about spending time with a teenage son or daughter, please post them in the comments so we can all learn from our shared experiences.
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This is a guest post from Reggie Joiner, and you can follow more of his writing at Orange Parents and Orange Leaders. Orange is one of my sponsor partners, and you may want to check out their free curriculum for churches.
This is a great post!! We have a good relationship with our 21-year-old daughter, but it wasn’t without some bumps along the way. I will give the disclaimer that we have one child, and a compassionate, somewhat compliant one at that, so I am well aware that sometimes, no matter what you do, it just doesn’t go the way you expect. Had we gotten a child like me, I would probably be writing a much different comment! That being said, here are some things that helped us during teen years:
1. Always be the parent who is willing to drive and don’t complain about it. I was amazed at how many parents didn’t want to be bothered. It isn’t about you being inconvenienced; it’s about a pocket of time that will disappear and never come again. So what if you get home at 2am from taking them to a concert? Drink some coffee and sleep later. Time in the car with your kid is great connection time, and time in the car with your kid and their friends is an invaluable window into their world.
2. Keep up with their technology, music, and entertainment. This keeps you plugged into their life, and lets you know what is influencing their peers and shaping their environment. Forbidding it (for them) and ignoring it (you) isn’t going to make it go away; it just means that you wont know what’s going on.
3. Don’t show shock (unless, of course, it’s a major incident that warrants such a reaction, like a call from jail). That is the quickest way to shut down an open conversation about something they might be questioning or trying to understand. Freak out later when they’re not around, but keep the dialogue open. There is a lot to figure out when you’re fourteen. If they’re not talking to you, they’ll talk to someone else.
4. Apologize when you get it wrong. It doesn’t make you weak; it makes you a leader and helps them trust you.
5. Pick your battles! Clothes, hair, and makeup are areas that cause enough stress for multiple reasons, especially with girls. Our rule was that as long as appropriate body parts were covered and nothing was obscene, who cares?? Makeup styles change and hair color washes out. It isn’t about your taste; it’s about your kid’s need to explore different aspects of their personality and try them on like outfits. They’ll find the one that fits and, most likely, it’ll be pretty close to what you had in mind anyway. ☺
6. Resist the urge to rule their room. It’s the one corner of the world that is truly their space, and if a messy room bugs you, shut the door and don’t look at it. As long as there is nothing illegal hidden away and forgotten dishes aren’t growing mold under the bed, let them have this space to express themselves. They’ll pay the price for dirty clothes and lost items, and they’ll make the adjustments.
7. Let them get to know you (within reason) as a guy or a girl with a first name. You don’t have to drag skeletons out of the closet, but it can be a real connection point for them to hear about your life when you were their age – your hopes, dreams, fears, stupid moments. It makes you a person, not just a parent.
Enjoy the ride! ☺
Tony,
Great post!!! My daughter just turned 12 and I’m beginning to see the signs of everything talked about in this post. As church leaders, our most important responsibility is at home. Thanks for investing in that area of our lives.
Brian