The following happens between 8:00 p.m. and 9:00 p.m.

“OK, Jacob, here’s the deal—I’m counting on you. The Innovative Church Conference guests are counting on you. And, most importantly, my blog readers are counting on you. We need you to become a mole in this guy’s operation and determine where the hostages are located and help us determine how we can rescue them.”

Jacob: “Dad, I don’t like where this is going. I’m feeling a little like Isaac getting ready to be sacrificed.”

Tony: “That’s ironic. You’re mother and I considered naming you Isaac… But, don’t worry. It’ll all be fine. You’ll become a hostage. It’ll be good for the ratings, but nothing’s going to happen to you. I know the writer, editor and publisher for this blog. You do, however, have to remember all the key lessons I’ve taught you through the years.”

Jacob: “I know. Don’t pick up my dribble until I pass or shoot. Get my glove in the dirt and watch the ball all the way into my mitt, and don’t bring my club past parallel on the back swing. I really don’t see, though, how any of that is going to help me with this mission.”

Tony: “You forgot the most important lesson of all.”

Jacob: “How to pee in strange places?”

Tony: “That’s important as well. But the most important lesson you have to remember is that Morgan men don’t have the brawn but we do have our wit and charm. So, when these posts get dry, we’re counting on you for both.”

Jacob: “So, you’re saying, as an example, that now would be a good time to demonstrate that?

Tony: “Finish packing your bag. It’s time to go…”

The following happens between 7:00 p.m. and 8:00 p.m.

…Someone that sounded very familiar to me. You could tell the individual was uptight about their situation. The message itself was a little cryptic. Obviously his captors wouldn’t let him identify himself on my answering machine. These were the clues, however, that he left in his message:

• I’d run 26 miles in your shoes, but I couldn’t in mine.
• I don’t have to play doctor with my wife.
• The Georgia Bulldogs are a bunch of pansies.
• No comment.
• My name rhymes with "Hairy Global."

Hmmm… Who could it be? Larry Strobel? Perry Noble? Very Mobile? Terry I’d-continue-naming-names-but-nothing-else-rhymes-with-“global.”

Emily: “What did you just say?”

Tony: “Nothing else rhymes with global.”

Emily: “No, before that.”

Tony: “Very mobile…like Notre Dame’s quarterback and Heisman candidate, Brady Quinn. Go Irish!”

Emily: “No, before that.”

Tony: “Perry Noble? Perry Noble!!!”

Then it struck me. Washington, D.C. Granger, Indiana. Anderson, South Carolina. It’s the triangle of death. They have Perry too. Three of our keynote speakers for the Innovative Church Conference are hostages. What am I going to do?

There was no time to ponder the implications of this predicament. It was time to activate the protocol. That meant I needed to prepare Jacob for his mission…

The following happens between 6:00 p.m. and 7:00 p.m.

By the time I got home, dinner had already been served. Emily and the four kids had already gathered around the dining room table.

I sat down to join them and took the opportunity to update them on my day and tell them about the ultimatum I had received from Mark Beeson.

Tony: “Here’s the deal, we have to add a twist to this series of posts. I’m thinking we need to follow the lead of the real 24. In the television show, one of Jack Bauer’s family members usually gets caught by the bad guys. Somehow Jack is able to protect the President of the United States but he’s unable to protect his own family.”

Kayla: “I vote for Jacob.”

Abby: “Daddy, does that mean you aren’t very strong and can’t protect your family either?”

Jacob: “He’s a weakling. I can take Dad with one hand tied behind my back.”

Brooke: “Goo Goo Ga Ga.”

Kayla: “What are you trying to say, Brooke?”

Emily: “She said Daddy is a handsome man with deceptive strength that exceeds that of most pastor-types, especially those who blog. Then Brooke added ‘I vote for Jacob.’”

Tony: “That’s two votes for Jacob. That decides it. He’s going with the bad guys. Finish your dinner and pack your overnight bag, Jake. You have a long night ahead of you.”

Before I left to connect Jacob with the bad guys, Emily encouraged me to listen to the odd message that had been left on the home answering machine. I pressed the play button and was surprised to hear the muffled voice of…

The following happens between 5:00 p.m. and 6:00 p.m.

I decided this kimono thing wasn’t going to go away without a struggle. With that in mind, I made sure Tim’s office was vacant and I asked Samurai Jack to join me. We both found inconspicuous spots in Tim’s office and made ourselves stealth.

A few minutes later, Tim came back into his office and sat at his desk. On cue, Samurai Jack put Tim into a chokehold and I ripped off the kimono. (Briefs in case you’re wondering.) In the process of grabbing the kimono, I ended up with a swath of Tim’s skin. Or at least I thought it was Tim’s skin. Samurai Jack yelled, “Tony, look. It’s not Tim. He was wearing a disguise. It’s actually…”

Tony: “Larry Wilcox? Aren’t you the guy that played Officer Jon Baker on CHiPs back in the 70s?”

Larry: “Yes, it’s me. I’m sorry for the deception. This guy with a bad British accent offered me this acting job. I’ve had trouble getting good parts since CHiPs was canceled. This was easy money, and I’ve always wondered what it was like to be an executive pastor.”

Tony: “So what do you think?”

Larry: “The job’s not bad, but you’re no Ponch. Nice blog, though.”

After seeing that this really wasn’t Tim Stevens in a kimono, I was reminded of the words from Tim—I mean Larry—earlier today when he said, “Not everything is as seems.” I guess Larry—not Tim—was telling the truth.

Well, this conversion with Larry Wilcox was delightful, but we had another small problem. It appeared that Tim, another keynote speaker for the Innovative Church Conference had also been abducted. First Mark Batterson. Then Tim. Who would it be next…

The following happens between 4:00 p.m. and 5:00 p.m.

I knocked on Mark Beeson’s office door. He told me to come in and have a seat. Immediately, I could tell by the look on his face that my day wasn’t going to get any better.

“Tony, I have two issues we need to discuss. First, I think we need to talk about what’s happening with you today. You’ve lost focus. It’s as if your mind is in a completely different place. You don’t seem to be yourself. You’ve lost your mojo. You’re quoting lyrics from bad 80s hair bands. What’s the deal?”

“Sorry, Mark, I’m facing a blog crisis today. I’m dealing with unusual comment spam. Someone has hijacked our podcast. And now it looks like one of our Innovative Church Conference keynote speakers has been taken hostage.”

Mark paused for a moment, and then he responded. “Tony, the first thing to remember in situations is like this is that you can only take blogging one post at a time.” And then he turned to his computer. “For example, if you take your blog in a bad direction and day after day, month after month, year after year you make posts in that direction, where will you end up?”

Tony: “Writing boring Op-Ed pieces for the New York Times?”

Mark: “No, you’ll end up over here. However, if you take your blog in a good direction and day after day, month after month, year after year you make posts in that direction, do you know where you’ll end up?”

Tony: “Being a ghostwriter for John Maxwell?”

Mark: “No, Tony, you’ll end up over here. Man, this illustration usually works when I’m on the platform. Maybe I’ve lost my mojo?”

Mark leaned in and looked me straight into the eyes, “Tony, let me just cut to the chase. (Mark has always wanted to use that phrase.) You need to end this 24 series you have going on your blog. You’re less than half-way through the day, and it’s already beginning to lose steam. Either you add a twist that draws more readers, or you need to just drop it.”

Tony: “Mark, I understand. When I get home tonight, I’ll see what I can do. By the way, you said you had two issues to discuss?”

Mark: “Yea, go tell Stevens to take off that silly kimono…”

The following happens between 3:00 p.m. and 4:00 p.m.

My assistant, Jami, stopped me as I entered the building. “Tony, while you were gone, the UPS man delivered this package. It looks like it’s a book. Do you want me to open it?”

“Yes, you may open the package. Hey, by any chance was the UPS man named Mark?”

Jami opened the package then replied, “No, but this book is by a Mark—Mark Batterson. This must be a pre-release copy of his new book. It’s called In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day.”

And then my mind raced back to the conversation I had with Terry earlier this morning. His final comment was “It will find you if you want it to.” Could this just be a coincidence, or was this package “finding me?” And, if so, does that mean Mark Batterson is the hostage? This was bad. Very bad. Not only is Mark a husband, father, pastor and blogger, he’s also one of the keynote speakers for this year’s Innovative Church Conference.

“Jami, I have a few things I need you to do. First, we need to remove the elephant from WiredChurches.com. Then, get on the horn (I’ve always wanted to use that phrase) with our friends at National Community Church to see if Mark is, indeed, in a pit with a lion on a snowy day. Finally, don’t ever question what Brown can do for you.”

I couldn’t figure out why something this bad was happening to a blogger like me. But I guess that’s why they say every rose has its thorn; just like every night has its dawn; just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song; every rose has its thorn. This was definitely my thorn…

The following happens between 2:00 p.m. and 3:00 p.m.

…Mark and Mark and Marky Mark. What are the odds of Senior Pastor Mark Beeson, “Mr. First Impressions” Mark Waltz, my neighbor Mark Meyer and actor Mark Wahlberg, formerly of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, all standing in the Granger parking lot at the same time? Was it coincidence or purely remarkable?

The good news was there were several Marks that had not been taken hostage by the guy with the phony British accent. The bad news was that I was quickly running out of other Marks in my circle of acquaintances. Hmmm…who could it be? Who was the marked man?

This was a problem. I realized I’ve met a lot of Marks through the years. We need to keep in mind, though, if a man knows a hundred Marks, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine in the church parking lot and go to look for the one that wandered off? I decided to jump into action and save the one lost Mark. That meant I needed to have the elephant removed from the WiredChurches.com website to meet the demands of the phony British guy.

Before I could go, though, Mark Beeson spoke up, “Tony, I’d like to see you in my office. Stop by at 4:00 p.m. That will build anticipation on your blog for the next couple of days regarding what I might have to say to you.”

Little did I know what would be waiting for me when I got back to my office…

The following happens between 1:00 p.m. and 2:00 p.m.

“Is this Tony Morgan?” It was a familiar voice, but I couldn’t quite place it. “Tony, this is Andy Stanley. As you know, I’m a big fan of your blog and your podcast. Lanny, Reggie, Lane and I frequently just sit around drinking sweet tea and talking about your insightful ministry strategies. We also love the delightful repartee that you and Tim offer through the Simply Strategic Show. I’m so glad I caught you today.”

Immediately, I was slightly suspicious. Normally when Andy calls, he just dials my direct line at the office. Secondly, I know for a fact that Lanny Donoho, famous author of the book God’s Blog, prefers pink lemonade over sweet tea.

That aside, I wanted to see what link Andy might have to the situation I was facing. “Andy, you don’t happen to have a fake British accent, do you?”

Andy replied, “No, but I just talked with a guy that does. He claimed to be Marcus Buckingham, and he told me to call you with these specific demands. First, you’re supposed to break all the rules. Secondly, he wants you to remove the elephant with the wagging tail from the WiredChurches.com website. If you do those things, he said he won’t harm Mark.”

And then the call was dropped. “Andy, are you there? Andy?”

This is not good. The creepy guy with the fake British accent has hijacked the podcast and has Mark. But the question was, Mark “Who?” And, why doesn’t he like the elephant with the wagging tail? When I pulled into the church parking lot, I was encouraged to see Mark and…

The following happens between 12:00 p.m. and 1:00 p.m.

…I need to eat lunch. Just to set things straight here—I’m no Jack Bauer. I can’t go 24 hours without eating or sleeping. And every once in a while, I actually need to recharge my cell phone batteries. Even though the blog alert level is on orange and someone with a bad British accent has hijacked the Simply Strategic Show, I ate lunch at Burger King between 12:00 p.m. and 1:00 p.m.

I know. It’s supposed to be “fast food,” but I’m a slow eater. Besides, the lunch had to last exactly one hour in order to fit the format for this shtick I have going to parody the television show 24 on my blog. If it was a 34-minute lunch, I would have had to say, “The following happens between 12:00 p.m. and 12:34 p.m.” That isn’t as catchy. I’d also have to come up with more than 24 posts if I did that. As it is now, I’m already having enough trouble coming up with 24 posts, and that’s why I’m throwing this post in describing where I went to lunch…like you really care.

As I was driving back to the church, my cell phone rang. I reached for my phone and answered it. I was shocked to hear…

The following happens between 11:00 a.m. and 12:00 p.m.

It was Tim Stevens of LeadingSmart.com. For some reason, he was wearing a kimono and he smelled like he’d been fishing in the pond out back behind the church. That’s very odd. However, Tim does spend a lot of time in close proximity to Jack Magruder, the great samurai warrior and Director of Missions at Granger. And, I saw Tim order fish tacos one time.

Tim: “Ohayo, Tony-san. I’m thinking about making run to Taco Bell. You like to come with… Oh, miss spot.”

Tony: “What spot? Hey, how come you didn’t tell me you were goin’ fishing? And, why are you talking so funny?”

Tim: “You not here when I go.”

Tony: “Well, maybe I wanted to go, you ever think of that?”

Tim: “You blogging.”

Tony: “I’m what? I’m bein’ your slave is what I’m bein’ here man, now c’mon we made a deal here!”

Tim: “So?”

Tony: “So? So, you’re supposed to teach and I’m supposed to learn! For eight years I’ve been bustin’ my buns, and haven’t learned a thing!”

Tim: “You learn plenty.”

Tony: “I learn plenty, yeah, I learned how to sand your decks maybe. I wash your car, mow your lawn, Windex your fancy glass desk. I learn plenty!”

Tim: “Ah, not everything is as seems. Remember… wax on… wax off. Wax on… wax off. Sayonara Tony-san.”

OK, that was just plain freaky. First Terry said, “It will find you if you want it to.” Now Tim said, “Not everything is as seems.” What do these two statements mean? Will these encounters help me solve this mystery? And, why didn’t Tim use the word “it” in his final statement? What if it means…